Doing The Hard Stuff
The last couple of years have been defined by my unwillingness to do the hard stuff. Hard stuff normally means simply stepping outside of my comfort zone, and feeling the discomfort and angst that comes with it. From weightlifting, I know just as well as anyone that progress doesn't come without pain and discomfort from trying a set from a weight that is foreign to you. Sadly though, I haven't even been doing too much of weightlifting to remind myself of these facts.
In recent weeks, I've had to come face to face with my own cowardice. And look, I don't say that to put myself down. That's not the point of these evaluations. But in order to get one's weight up, honesty is required. So am I calling myself a coward? Nah, never. But it's ok to acknowledge moments when I have acted cowardly. So this is what I am doing now. Self-analysis is important; never to judge, but certainly to identify problems. The fortunate news is that, just like lifting, one can begin to turn weakness into strength once they've identified where they're weak. But identification will bruise the ego, and then the work needed to grow isn't easy. My unwillingness to do the hard stuff has set the conditions to stagnation and a lack of drive in a world that's constantly adapting.
-Take for example, my unwillingness to step outside of my comfort zone and how it surely damaged and possibly killed my last relationship. My girl at the time needed a little more from me. She knew my feelings for her were strong, but she needed me to express them in a certain way that worked for her; a way that was outside of my comfort zone. Instead of committing to the commitment, and doing the hard stuff of learning and getting comfortable with expressing my affections to her in a way that would satisfy her, I avoided the challenge, and went with the weak ass "That's just not me" excuse. Grade A bullshit. A coward's way out.
-Finding a new job is hard, especially in this job market. The cost of living is high, and when you don't have a Master's, nor be a tech genius, finding work that will allow you to continue to exist in this region can be a daunting task. But I've been wanting to get out of my current work situation for years, and have just not moved. I've had enough to live comfortably for a long time and without that sense of urgency, I lacked the courage to even try to move myself outside of the comfort zone.
-In my last post, I mentioned my creative stagnation. I won't repeat it, but the gist of it is that when the things got hard, and questions were asked of me, I refused to accept the challenge.
Now, all of this isn't to condemn myself. In fact, I take a little sympathy on myself. I lived in a state of discomfort and hardship for so long, where every day was about overcoming a challenge. Why not allow myself a chance to rest, throw myself on auto-pilot, and just coast for awhile? The problem is, however, that staying there too long can get you stuck there. Lethargy, ennui, and boredom can follow, and the next thing you know, life falls into a steady yet unsatisfying routine that goes on and on and on. This was what happened to me. The preacher of evolution and growth was himself stagnant, comfortable, and unwilling to move, or grow, simply because I felt like, for once, I didn't have to.
Break-time is over. 2018 began with what I wouldn't call hammer blows, but probing taps. A job lacking stability, rising costs of living, car trouble, an attempt at love lost, and 10 years in the same spot all hit me within the first two months. But as Kelly Sweet once sang in her song, 'Raincoat', : "Some things, they just sting enough to move you along". Whether I wanted to or not, my notion of comfort was lightly pressed against; and it was enough. Yet this is only a jumpstart, and will only get me so far. I will need to be a fresh battery that continually charges and challenges myself to do what's difficult every day. In that, there is growth.
And I should probably start by picking up the weights again!
In recent weeks, I've had to come face to face with my own cowardice. And look, I don't say that to put myself down. That's not the point of these evaluations. But in order to get one's weight up, honesty is required. So am I calling myself a coward? Nah, never. But it's ok to acknowledge moments when I have acted cowardly. So this is what I am doing now. Self-analysis is important; never to judge, but certainly to identify problems. The fortunate news is that, just like lifting, one can begin to turn weakness into strength once they've identified where they're weak. But identification will bruise the ego, and then the work needed to grow isn't easy. My unwillingness to do the hard stuff has set the conditions to stagnation and a lack of drive in a world that's constantly adapting.
-Take for example, my unwillingness to step outside of my comfort zone and how it surely damaged and possibly killed my last relationship. My girl at the time needed a little more from me. She knew my feelings for her were strong, but she needed me to express them in a certain way that worked for her; a way that was outside of my comfort zone. Instead of committing to the commitment, and doing the hard stuff of learning and getting comfortable with expressing my affections to her in a way that would satisfy her, I avoided the challenge, and went with the weak ass "That's just not me" excuse. Grade A bullshit. A coward's way out.
-Finding a new job is hard, especially in this job market. The cost of living is high, and when you don't have a Master's, nor be a tech genius, finding work that will allow you to continue to exist in this region can be a daunting task. But I've been wanting to get out of my current work situation for years, and have just not moved. I've had enough to live comfortably for a long time and without that sense of urgency, I lacked the courage to even try to move myself outside of the comfort zone.
-In my last post, I mentioned my creative stagnation. I won't repeat it, but the gist of it is that when the things got hard, and questions were asked of me, I refused to accept the challenge.
Now, all of this isn't to condemn myself. In fact, I take a little sympathy on myself. I lived in a state of discomfort and hardship for so long, where every day was about overcoming a challenge. Why not allow myself a chance to rest, throw myself on auto-pilot, and just coast for awhile? The problem is, however, that staying there too long can get you stuck there. Lethargy, ennui, and boredom can follow, and the next thing you know, life falls into a steady yet unsatisfying routine that goes on and on and on. This was what happened to me. The preacher of evolution and growth was himself stagnant, comfortable, and unwilling to move, or grow, simply because I felt like, for once, I didn't have to.
Break-time is over. 2018 began with what I wouldn't call hammer blows, but probing taps. A job lacking stability, rising costs of living, car trouble, an attempt at love lost, and 10 years in the same spot all hit me within the first two months. But as Kelly Sweet once sang in her song, 'Raincoat', : "Some things, they just sting enough to move you along". Whether I wanted to or not, my notion of comfort was lightly pressed against; and it was enough. Yet this is only a jumpstart, and will only get me so far. I will need to be a fresh battery that continually charges and challenges myself to do what's difficult every day. In that, there is growth.
And I should probably start by picking up the weights again!
Comments
Post a Comment