Sharing My Joy

DURING these last few days, I've been determined to begin putting out posts, and have written numerous draft entries that started off as coherent thoughts but later just ended up being packs of jibberish with far too many useless words that would only waste a reader's time and cramp my creativity in the process.  It's like being in a forest and thinking you've walked the path out, only to find after a couple of miles that you really have no idea where you're going.  That's my mind.

Over the years, there's been a common denominator about my writing: the best stuff tends to be the darkest stuff.  Never am I more clear than when I'm in a low place, feeling down and depressed, wearing misery glasses and seeing my life and the world through the tint of gloom.  Over the last month, however, I've been good... like, really really good!  I've been content.  I feel like I've found a bit of base that I can really ground myself and have a foundation.  And I've been as comfortable in my own skin and person as I've been probably since I turned 30.  It's been that good!  

Yet, I can't communicate it.  

It got me to thinking about my communication style and the energy that I give off.  If I'm better at communication when I'm down or in the dumps, then I can only imagine how that rubs off, not just in writing, either.  So what does it mean when my best form of communication comes when I'm down and struggling?  It can't make me the most pleasant or fun person to be around, that's for sure.  God bless my friends and family, who seem to ask if I'm ok on a regular.  Sometimes I feel like I have to convince them that I'm good, and I get why.  My life's ups and downs, I'm willing to bet, are no different than the next person's.  But it's due to the ease in which I communicate when I'm down, and the difficulty in which I communicate when I'm up that'll probably make you think I've got a shit-ton of problems; not to mention a hard time dealing with them.  It's there where you'll find the illusion.  I'm a normal guy who yes, feels stressed in moments of stress, but is exceedingly happy in moments of joy, doing things I enjoy, with people I enjoy, and who is fairly easy to please.  Far few have really truly seen me excited, and they'll tell ya, I'm a hoot when I'm feelin' it!  But I'm weird in that I'm guarded when I'm lit, but open when I'm vulnerable, which in itself, is a fairly new thing.  I used to not be open at all, but in opening up, I guess I decided to do so in a way that overrated my discomfort and underrated my pleasure, and that's part of the next phase of my growth as a person.  It's okay to share my joy, happiness, or contentment.  Joy and pain are like sunshine and rain; open the windows and go outside regardless.