The Choice to Live

Its hard to move towards a life of living when all one has even known is a life of survival.  Its so hard because its counter-intuitive to every thing one has ever learned.  To let go instead of 'hanging in' there, to know that true strength is when you allow and accept your vulnerabilities, instead of covering them up; man, you're talking about changing the whole game up in your mind.  Its a difficult practice, but it begins (and continues to be) with a choice.

I've chosen to live because I'm dead sick of the way I have been existing.  As I approach my mid-30s, its no longer strong, nor is it happy, to close off and build walls.  Its no longer important to care about perception.  This is fucking life, man!  You gonna spend a whole life time worrying about whatever someone thinks of you?  You gonna spend a whole lifetime safeguarding, trying to avoid and prevent?  What's the purpose of being a person if you can't express all facets of your person hood? The hell with survival.  I'm convinced that if I'm not here to live experiences, embark on adventures, and love other beings, then I'd rather not be here at all.

So, what's there to hold on to?  I've been holding on, but I never really looked at what it is that I've been holding on to until now.  The fuck?!  Look at this ugly thing!  Who in their right minds wants to hold on to this idea of a life, when you can let go and allow real life, yes, with all of its uncertainties and randomness, to engulf you, when you can unclench your fits, stretch your arms out wide and be like "Here I am. Deal with it".  The ones unable or unwilling to deal with it are the ones not meant for you.  No shade, they'll find their own truth.  What's important is that you can live yours.

So yeah, I'm letting go.