Alone?????

Alright so a few weeks ago, while having a little chat on the phone with my mom, she said something that just sort of cut through whatever we were talking about.  I'm sure it centered around her skills as a top notch worrier because we are trying to stop that.  But I asked her simply, "What about me causes you to worry?"

"I worry about you ending up alone" she answered.

Record scratch...

Stop the music...

Hold the phone...

My mom worrying about me being alone is just... so weird.  For all of these years, it's been her example that has given me the belief that I could roll alone all the way to the grave.  Watching her everyday for years carry on without a partner, independent and on her own terms, inspired me to push on in live, knowing that even if I never found that One, life could still be good and perhaps even better. 

And now, it's this woman who has been the model from whom I've patterned my aging single-hood, talking about being worried that I'd end up alone.  Seriously, what to make of this!?

She told me that the difference between her and myself is that, for her, at least she has her two sons and six grandchildren.  She has a family, even without a man.  Her concern for me, on the other hand, was that I would have nobody; and in this, she has a point.  

So what am I supposed to do with this?  I have just reached a point after my recent heartbreak where normal service has resumed.  I'm back to being good being alone (although having a partner to split rent with would be pretty fucking kosher at this point, thank you California cost of living!), I was back to not only being OK with single-hood, but LOVING single-hood, probably more than I did before my last relationship, probably more than I ever did before.  But my mom's words hold weight, they always have, even when I didn't want them to.  She's never pressed me on finding a partner or having a family, and I don't think that's what she was doing here.  But maybe she knows that there's value in having someone; in having that experience, and it's an experience that she's had and would like for me to have.  I can't say. 

As for now, as much as Momma worries about it, I'm still prepared to go it alone.  37 years of life have showed me that this is the best route forward FOR ME, and recent experiences have only served to confirm that.  As always, I remain open to the possibilities.  On this day, however, I am good here...  

But I am a little unsettled.