No Escape

See, the problem with being a non-smoker/non-user, and a very seldom drinker is that I feel everything.  There is no numbing away of the senses, no drowning the emotions, no relieving the stress. Its there, and all of the "what ifs" and "what might have beens" and "what should I dos" and "why did I dos" hit with the intended force. The only defense is suppression, but then you’re clinching your fists for no good reason and hunching up your shoulders and holding your breath rather unknowingly.  There is no escape; not for one night, not even momentarily.  It comes when it wants, and you deal.
You deal.
But why would I want to escape. Because I don’t want to feel? But isn’t it those very things that make us, you know, us? And to escape those would be, in essence to escape ourselves?
Now why in the hell would I want to engage in such an impossible task?