What I Have Learned About Relationships -The Hard Lesson
By all accounts, I am a great friend. By all accounts, I am a great
lover. By my account, I am less than great in relationships.
You live this life long enough and you learn a little bit about yourself. That's never been much of a problem for me, being that I am someone who loves learning, correcting, growing, and fulfillment. In fact, I have this belief that the more honest I am with myself, the more fulfilling my life becomes.
I am a great friend and a great lover because I am a giver. I give my time, energy, my attention, and my ability. I enjoy giving and what I receive comes from what I give. I have found it to be a great joy, one that comes with no regrets and not at anytime soon will I ever stop having the attitude to give.
Being a great in a relationship, however, requires a giving of that something extra. I've learned through living that without the giving of this, its extremely hard to enjoy and maintain a fruitful relationship. Relationships demand the soul. It sticks its hand out and says "your independence, please?". It requires it to not be about me, but for it to be about we, and us. One can't even think without including the other person in their thoughts. Its leaning. It's trust. Its companionship. Its live being a joint effort.. its joint living.
In past relationships I recall that I was terribly frustrating to handle. One one hand, I was kind and calm. Giving and sacrificial. I would do all the 'sweet' things. I was humble enough to say "I'm sorry" when/if wrong, and there was never truly a doubt that I cared, loved, and enjoyed the times that I would share with her. On the other hand, however, I was non-committal, often preoccupied; and come those times when my lady needed to feel that she was the only one, the only and main thing that mattered to me, I could never offer that. Whether it be my interests, my ambitions, or simply my being so concentrated on matters of self, she always had company in my priority department. People have tried to tell me how much a relationship demands and I always argued that it was corny. I was raised to be independent; and that some life decisions should not be made based on another person - anyone, unless it was one's children. However NEVER, under any circumstances, revolve your life around a relationship or a love interest. To that, I always thought it was unfair for people to require so much of their partners. Only now am I beginning to look at life just a little differently
I remember telling my former girlfriend about how while I give her all that I have to give, there's that part in me that I must keep to myself. I thought I was speaking a reality that was totally acceptable within the confines of our relationship which had spanned the better part of two years. Needless to say, she was terribly hurt and felt cheated. For her, she had given me everything; withholding nothing, laying her-'self' on the alter to be sacrificed for the sake of us. Meanwhile me, I was willing to give everything and perhaps much of my-'self', just not all of it.
Over time I have come to find the necessity of putting ones entire heart and soul into a serious, legitimate romantic relationship. Every relationship comes with promises made and not made; yet promises they remain. No relationship comes with an expiration date. So in essence every relationship has long-term ambitions. Withholding and reserving parts of oneself denies those very ambitions. Only through opening up all of the channels and willingly giving all that there is to give will the true essence of a relationship be maintained.
I am open to it; and I maintain that perhaps one day I will get there. However that time is not now. There is still much of myself that I feel I must hold. In the end, my life is my own and before giving it to someone else, it is my responsibility to ensure that I am in the best possible stasis to do so. I know this now and that's significant growth. I'm quite happy at the result. It provides clarity and perhaps, more than anything, hope. I say hope because I was never really sure I could ever be good for someone. I didn't know what it took. Today I am one step clearer to knowing what it takes: something which I am optimistic that I will. And I know I will be good because I know I will be involved - heart and everything. From there, things will fall into place
You live this life long enough and you learn a little bit about yourself. That's never been much of a problem for me, being that I am someone who loves learning, correcting, growing, and fulfillment. In fact, I have this belief that the more honest I am with myself, the more fulfilling my life becomes.
I am a great friend and a great lover because I am a giver. I give my time, energy, my attention, and my ability. I enjoy giving and what I receive comes from what I give. I have found it to be a great joy, one that comes with no regrets and not at anytime soon will I ever stop having the attitude to give.
Being a great in a relationship, however, requires a giving of that something extra. I've learned through living that without the giving of this, its extremely hard to enjoy and maintain a fruitful relationship. Relationships demand the soul. It sticks its hand out and says "your independence, please?". It requires it to not be about me, but for it to be about we, and us. One can't even think without including the other person in their thoughts. Its leaning. It's trust. Its companionship. Its live being a joint effort.. its joint living.
In past relationships I recall that I was terribly frustrating to handle. One one hand, I was kind and calm. Giving and sacrificial. I would do all the 'sweet' things. I was humble enough to say "I'm sorry" when/if wrong, and there was never truly a doubt that I cared, loved, and enjoyed the times that I would share with her. On the other hand, however, I was non-committal, often preoccupied; and come those times when my lady needed to feel that she was the only one, the only and main thing that mattered to me, I could never offer that. Whether it be my interests, my ambitions, or simply my being so concentrated on matters of self, she always had company in my priority department. People have tried to tell me how much a relationship demands and I always argued that it was corny. I was raised to be independent; and that some life decisions should not be made based on another person - anyone, unless it was one's children. However NEVER, under any circumstances, revolve your life around a relationship or a love interest. To that, I always thought it was unfair for people to require so much of their partners. Only now am I beginning to look at life just a little differently
I remember telling my former girlfriend about how while I give her all that I have to give, there's that part in me that I must keep to myself. I thought I was speaking a reality that was totally acceptable within the confines of our relationship which had spanned the better part of two years. Needless to say, she was terribly hurt and felt cheated. For her, she had given me everything; withholding nothing, laying her-'self' on the alter to be sacrificed for the sake of us. Meanwhile me, I was willing to give everything and perhaps much of my-'self', just not all of it.
Over time I have come to find the necessity of putting ones entire heart and soul into a serious, legitimate romantic relationship. Every relationship comes with promises made and not made; yet promises they remain. No relationship comes with an expiration date. So in essence every relationship has long-term ambitions. Withholding and reserving parts of oneself denies those very ambitions. Only through opening up all of the channels and willingly giving all that there is to give will the true essence of a relationship be maintained.
I am open to it; and I maintain that perhaps one day I will get there. However that time is not now. There is still much of myself that I feel I must hold. In the end, my life is my own and before giving it to someone else, it is my responsibility to ensure that I am in the best possible stasis to do so. I know this now and that's significant growth. I'm quite happy at the result. It provides clarity and perhaps, more than anything, hope. I say hope because I was never really sure I could ever be good for someone. I didn't know what it took. Today I am one step clearer to knowing what it takes: something which I am optimistic that I will. And I know I will be good because I know I will be involved - heart and everything. From there, things will fall into place
It's good to see that you're thinking about this and really trying to gain a clearer understanding about relationships with people. Sometimes you have to hold on to self in order to really get the value of "togetherness" with someone and really appreciate it. I have high hopes for you and I know that in time you'll get there. Good luck!
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